25/08/2022
*IS IT OKAY TO LIE IN MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP?*
Doing a little research and thought exercise on whether lying is okay or not. I thought I might write a post to help married couples navigate the nuances of dishonesty in marriage and relationships. Undoubtedly, I believe most people do not like to be lied to, but many people believe that there are times when lying is okay. I am not sure if you are one of those people, but let’s take a look at some information to get some finality to this question.
*When asking the question, “Is lying okay?” especially in marriage, I am going to assume that you or someone else has already been dishonest. You also probably want the answer right away. The short answer is, lying is not okay. Although you might say it depends, I might then ask you, “Do you like _pain_ ?” The answer is probably no. Lying is not okay in most cases, because it is causes other’s great pain. But when we examine and consider the information we find from different sources, lies shouldn’t be encourage at all in marriage and outside of it.*
Now, I am not claiming to be an expert, so you might disagree, but hopefully by the time you are done reading this post you will understand my position. Others of you may continue to disagree. I am okay with that. We all are privy to our own opinions and perceptions, however, that does not mean that either you or me are correct. So, I encourage you to come at this with an open mind, just as I have been doing through my research and reading of other’s ideas about this question. Let’s be respectful of each other’s intelligence, as well as, considerate of emotions as we dive into the possibilities.
*WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY REGARDING LYING?*
I know some people won’t want to hear what Christianity has to say about lying. Please don’t leave yet! The Bible is also a book of wisdom, even if you don’t believe in God or Jesus.
I assume most Christians would actually think the Bible says lying is wrong, but I also assume that some Christians are lumped in with the 64% of us who say lying is sometimes justified. However, I think we are going to find out some things about what the Bible says that maybe we didn’t expect
*Examples of Lying in the Bible*
There are a few examples in the Scriptures where we see actual lies being told
• Some opinions about the first time a lie is told in the Bible can get convoluted. Some believe it was when Satan told Eve that they would “not surely die” if they ate of the fruit of the tree. Some assert that actually Adam told the first lie and it is inferred that he told Eve that God said “ye shall not eat or TOUCH” the fruit. The addition of touch is understood by those asserting this theory to be the lie that Adam would have told Eve.
• Another lie that we see is where Abraham was dishonest with Pharaoh about Sarah being his wife. Pharaoh luckily was warned by God of the matter.
• Ananias and Saphira lied about how much money they received from selling their land. They both perished by God’s hand through Peter because of their deception.
• Rahab helped the Jewish spies hide in the city of Jericho and lied to protect them.
• Jacob lied to Isaac to gain Esau’s birthright.
• The Jewish midwives in Egypt lied to save their baby boys because Pharaoh had ordered them to kill all new born males.
• Some people even believe Jesus lied to his brothers about going up to Jerusalem for the feast. He told them “I am not going up,” but he did. However, this is taken out of context. He also added, “My time has not yet come.” Inferring that, that when His Father led Him to go up to Jerusalem, he would go.
Many more examples of lying exist in the Bible. Dishonesty is obviously not new and is ages old. It started from the beginning when Adam and Eve were created and continues to exist as a problem today. You could say lying might be considered the first sin. Although some might say it was pride.
Some intriguing considerations come out of the story of Adam and Eve. Did Adam tell Eve that they shouldn’t touch the fruit? God only said to not eat of the fruit of the tree. If Adam did tell Eve this, did he tell her that God said that, or did he just say not to touch the fruit to keep them safe (might be a big part of our answer to our question)? Did he actually lie to her? If so, what does that say about sin? Did it come into existence prior to eating the fruit? Was it disobedience? Are there times where sin is justified if Adam lied to Eve prior to her eating the fruit?
These are all interesting questions. I am not sure we can find answers to them. Would what Adam taught Eve be more of an exaggeration as I am not sure sin had entered the world yet? Or is there more to this? Maybe it is a clue to when dishonesty might be justified.
Could it be that because Adam wanted to make sure that they were safe that he told Eve an exaggerated version of what God said and that was okay in God’s eyes because it was to not bring harm or for the greater good? Or would that be considered fear? At this point I am just wondering, but who knows. It also makes me wonder if dishonesty happened before Eve even ate the fruit. What then? How does that play a role in this sin concept entering the world?
*Verses about Lying*
Let’s explore some Scriptures about dishonesty. What does the Bible say about lying? A quick search on the web about lying in the Bible reveals many versus and examples of dishonesty in the Bible. I will only list a few below that will get your appetite wet. Then I will discuss briefly what I think these verses and others tell us about the Scriptures’ view of dishonesty.
*Old Testament Verses about Dishonesty*
• Exodus 20:16 (ESV) – You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
• Proverbs 6:16-19 (ESV) – There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.
• Proverbs 12: 22 (ESV) – Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.
• Proverbs 19:9 (ESV) – A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish.
• Psalm 101:7 (ESV) – No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.
• Proverbs 14:5 (ESV) – A faithful witness does not lie, but a false witness breathes out lies.
*New Testament Verses about Dishonesty*
• Colossians 3:9-10 (ESV) – Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.
• Ephesians 4:25 (ESV) – Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
• Revelation 21:8 (ESV) – But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.
• Matthew 15:18-20 (ESV) – But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person. But to eat with unwashed hands does not defile anyone.
• James 3:14 (ESV) – But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.
• James 1:26 (ESV) – If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.
*Conclusion about the Bible’s view on lying*
As you read through Scripture and familiarize yourself with examples of dishonesty and verses about God’s dislike of dishonesty, it’s easy to see that lying is not necessarily God’s favorite thing. He even says that it is an abomination, and one of the 7 things God hates.
However, you have to remember that the Bible is a book written by many authors with a similar theme that tells the story of God, His Son, and the salvation of the human race. It also was written in two different languages (Hebrew – Old Testament, Greek – New Testament). If you know anything about these languages, they don’t match up well to our current English language and especially not “American English” or “slang.”
Knowing the nuances in translation of the original language to current understandable language helps us see that what we are reading when the Bible says, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor,” may pose a slightly different meaning, context, or major shift in what we think it is saying.
When we read this verse, it certainly seems like it means simply to not lie. I guess we can easily generalize it, but it’s not meant to be generalized. One analysis of this statement is literally not being a false witness in court. It doesn’t say in court, but if you know much about the history, then this would most likely be the most correct translation of this verse. I would love to go further into this, but that will have to wait for another time.
With this understand and other verses such as Colossians 3:9-10 or Matthew 15:18-20 we start to see that this has more to do with how you treat others. When we read Proverbs 12:22 it ends with saying, “but those who act faithfully are his delight.” He follows up saying that “lying lips are an abomination” with this. What does acting faithfully have to do with it? It seems that when we act faithfully, loving, or kind, it’s a difference of heart. In Matthew 15, God even says, “for out of the heart come…” which suggests he is linking lying with the heart.
I think this is interesting and we should read Biblical accounts possibly from this angle. Yes, there are very strong statements against dishonesty in the Bible, but it still seems unclear whether it is okay to lie or not, considering some of the examples we have discussed Biblically and from our everyday lives.
*HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU ARE LIED TO, ESPECIALLY BY YOUR LOVED SPOUSE?*
Another viewpoint that we can consider is our own emotions when we ourselves are lied to. I know when I have been lied to, I feel betrayed, hurt, fearful, sad, disconnected, and a whole host of other negative emotions. It definitely does not feel good!
I work with couples all the time and when trust is broken due to lying, I see those same couples struggling with deep emotions that keep them separated and disconnected for days, weeks or even months. It’s not fun and sometimes so destructive it tears them apart.
Fear is a real thing because it has been shown in some research studies that the primary desire or need for humans is connection. Basically, we just wanted to be accepted for who we are. But when someone lies to us, we feel rejected.
Think about it. When someone is dishonest with you, they possibly did not think of you enough to believe you were worth telling the truth to. Now that may be an exaggeration, but that could be one perspective. The bottom line is it makes us feel really bad. Our feelings about being lied to definitely signal something is wrong with dishonesty.
*WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE LIE?*
Another aspect is to consider what happens when people lie. Many things can happen. Fighting, divorce, hiding, more lying and many other negatives things. I am not sure I can think of too many positive things that happen when people lie. Possibly if it saves a life, that could be considered positive, but that may just be wishful thinking, but who knows if it will work.
Lying divides people. I think we are seeing more lies in our world right now that is causing more chaos and destruction than maybe the world has ever seen. It’s definitely not what was intended for our world. It goes back to seed sowing. What you sow, you will reap. That’s generally the consensus. When you lie, you are sowing dishonesty and you will reap whatever that sown seed produces.
*IS THERE EVER AN OKAY TIME TO LIE?*
To wrap up I will give my opinion. This is no way is an echo of the Bible or God or any other people. I have read a lot and researched a lot and have come to my conclusion based on what you have read here and more. I am part of the supposed 64% who believe it is sometimes okay to lie. However, that sometimes comes with a lot of caution flags, rules, and stipulations. I first derive my answer for that from Scriptures.
I believe that we are, first of all, humans. We can’t know everything and so sometimes we aren’t in a place to hear God’s voice like we need to. I believe if we could hear God’s voice, He probably would be telling us to, “Trust Me!” Now even saying this makes me want to change my answer to the idea that it is never okay to lie, but part of me feels that there is a very small window where lying is okay.
Let’s talk about that window. I believe that window is when it’s for the greater good, usually for life and death situations. Think about the Jews in N**i Germany or Rahab in Jericho. Rahab hid the spies and there are famous cases where Jews were hidden from the Germans to save their lives. Would a loving God allow this? I believe so.
If there is a greater good, or should I tell a lie that is of “true love and sacrifice,” then that lie comes from the right place in the heart! It is redeemable. Would you tell a lie to your parents because you don’t want your younger brother to be brutally discipline because he did something wrong? It’s love. Is it wrong? It would be hard to prove it is.
However, this can never be taken lightly. I think that is the major issue. We take telling lies lightly. We don’t recognize the seriousness. If it’s not life or death, then it shouldn’t be told. That’s serious! When we start to see that a loving situation where life or death is being faced is the only meter for being dishonest, then we realize that this is serious. Lying to your spouse has NOTHING to do with life or death 99.9999% of the time.
*CONCLUSION*
So, is it ever okay to lie to your spouse, friend, loved one or partner? The vast majority of the time the answer is a resounding, “NO!” It’s not worth it. The Bible is very clear. We can explore that in more death at another time. Our feelings about lying present a clear picture of how much destruction and hurt it causes.
The examples I gave where lying might be considered okay are very rare circumstances. For most people, lying should not be an option. That’s how I would have you set your mind. Lying is NOT AN OPTION! If you allow it to be an option, you will use it. And inevitably, you will HURT someone. You reap what you sow! Sometimes the greatest method for not acting negatively is to not put yourself in a position to act negatively.
*Let’s learn to do what God says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8 (ESV)*
*Above all, the verse below is worthy of consideration for our journey to eternity: -*
*Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.*
Go to God and confess your sins and make restitution to your spouse for God's mercy/grace to be reconnected to God.
Shalom
