10/31/2026
BREAKING: PennDOT is reportedly monitoring a developing situation on I-81, where two tractor trailers have been attempting to pass each other since approximately the Louisiana Purchase.
The truck in the right lane is traveling 54.999 MPH. The truck in the left lane is traveling 55.000 MPH. At this rate, the passing maneuver is expected to conclude sometime around the year 2047, assuming neither driver encounters a slight incline.
Behind them, a man from Philadelphia has exhausted the entire English language's supply of profanity, eaten two hoagies, called his wife to tell her he loves her, and begun seriously considering abandoning his vehicle and starting a new life in the woods.
A guy from Scranton left home with a full tank of gas, a promising future, and dreams of seeing his family again. He now has a beard, three grandchildren, and a completely different understanding of time.
By mile 48, the motorists behind the trucks have established a functioning civilization. They've elected a mayor, opened a Sheetz, formed a homeowners association, and are currently debating whether to declare independence from Pennsylvania.
PennDOT has reportedly scheduled a construction project to widen the highway, but officials estimate the trucks will still be attempting to pass each other when it's completed. The driver in the left lane remains confident. He's gaining approximately six inches every presidential administration.
Meanwhile, 400 Pennsylvanians are trapped behind two men engaged in the slowest drag race in recorded human history. Neither driver is willing to surrender. Neither driver is willing to accelerate.
And somewhere in the distance, there's a sign that says LEFT LANE CLOSED 2 MILES.
