02/02/2026
Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye! Now, on this February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil—seer of seers, prognosticator of all prognosticators—was awakened from his winter’s nap at dawn on Gobbler’s K**b.
He looked at the skies and then, speaking in Groundhogese, directed President Dunkel to the proper scroll, which reads:
“It’s my great honor to answer your annual call, so I rise again this morning to greet you all.
But today I wake thinking of numbers and time—America turns 250, and I’m at least 139.
Let’s celebrate all: young, old, babies, and millennials, and kick off America’s semi-quincentennial.
We look to the future, and not just the past, so I suppose this party could use a forecast.
It is my job this February two to look to the skies and report back to you that there is a shadow here on my ground—six more weeks of winter abound!
